Dating for 7 years
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I love him very much, and I see us getting married. Also, inviting friends or relatives during a date is not uncommon. Now here we are. Glad to the National Fraud Intelligence Bureau, there were 3,889 victims of so-called romance fraud last year, who handed over a record £39m. The New York Times. Unlike girls my age, she doesn't mind me working late, she thinks the fact that I've been aggressive on the job print, studying for GMATs, getting my nose into a lot of different things is very attractive.
I am 40 and my boyfriend is 36. I have been previously married and have three kids 17, 15, and 10. We have been together for 7 years now. I have wanted to move in and get married since year two. He keeps all of his clothes at my house sleeps there every night and spends his down time there even when I am not home. I recently said I want him to fully move in because I think it would be financially better. He still keeps his apartment with his things in it. Well, the day before the big move he backed out. He wants to keep it the way it is. I am so confused. I believe he is in love with me but what do I do? I am confused what is going to change in his mind. He keeps saying he will lose himself and everything he loves to do if he moves in and gets married. He just sounds like a child to me. I appreciate your advice. And if you twisted his arm to get married and he resented you for it, it would probably not be a very happy marriage. Honestly, sweetheart, the writing is on the wall in ten-foot fluorescent orange letters. If you NEVER want to get married and are content with this arrangement, you can keep seeing him, but you know what? If the OP wants a relationship the way she described, this is not the man for that. He clearly likes his space and independence. Or do you just want him to move in with you? You can either get real, and choose to accept your guy and the relationship for what it is or you can walk away and start over. And when he does mature, who knows what he will want? You both are at completely different maturity levels. And he has never wanted to. He seems to have been consistent in this, at least. I did eventually but it took me a while. No matter which way you spin it. You never know, if she does leave him, he might change his mind on his own accord. He knows he is comfortable, he admits he lacks motivation and faith in himself to create his own life. What that really adds up to is that I was more in love with what I hoped he could never be, than the person he was today. The day I left was the day I recommitted to loving him enough to let him be the person he is today without expecting him to be someone else. Best decision I ever made. You are in the prime of your life and given the ages of your children, they need and deserve a whole mom and healthy role model. Dump this guy ASAP! The more time you waste on him, the less time you take away from meeting the right guy. There is no indication in her letter unless I missed it that he has ever even thrown a crumb of hope her way. She needs to VAMOOSE! Being a single mom of three is a TOUGH obstacle to negotiate in the dating jungle. You said in your letter you had a huge disagreement before he agreed to move in as it would be financially better for both of you. What does that tell you? There is another guy out there who will love you and your kids and want to commit to a life together without you having to argue them into it. Sit your two butts down and have a talk about how you see your future as a couple. You might be surprised. He does not sound like a child to me. He sounds to me like a man who knows what he wants out of a relationship, and is able to articulate it. He has every right to want that kind of arrangement. There is nothing wrong with that kind of arrangement. It just happens to be the opposite of what Cahnie wants. Time to move on. I am a single woman whose dated single dads with kids who work alot and I felt like the bottom of his list of things to do and esp. So from that point I told myself the next man I meet with be single and available, no ex and no kids, same as me. I was singlefor 5 whole years thats the time I needed to find myself or so I thought. So I met this guy in my complex and we have been seeing each other 2 years I am 2 years older than him. He had a tendancy to push me away, turn cold, take me back he did this like over 20 times to me. I am not from this city so I dont have much social networks. Hes also a golfer and plays in tournaments. He always told me if he met someone he likes more he will tell me and wed break up, same for me. He also waited for sex 5 months so I had alot of respect for him as I believe in that too. Lately his health is not the best. He lost his job 8 months back this was a hige dent in our relationship before this he paid all the time, hes the old fashion type so am I. If I have money I spoil him but Im not working now either. He hangs with golfers with money and they go to eat and drink, karoke bars etc. He always said he loves a woman his age or older. Hes told me he loves me and considers me his wife, but he said he wont marry me or live with me. Hes talked about adopting and foster care or if I can have kids but its normally when hes drinking. I went there before he went on a golf trip for 4 days and he had said hes leave me his key so I could watch movies as I do not have tv at home. Just before we spent 4 hrs helping him prepare! This is 2 years of being together and hes no kid he is 51, if he was 21 I could understand as hes just new in dating etc. Hes been a bachelor for decades. So he went and played bad. We met again, he wrote me a love note of promises that he will be honest and good to me and make me happy, then 15 mins later he was drinking , he said no forget that and burned the note. He started throwing things around he was very angry cause he loss his golf major and his rich brother came first! Then he freaked that I left earrings there, 2 sets and he got very angry and said why do you do this,I said for no reason I just forget, he said im not cheating if thats why your leaving them behind. I found out 3 wks ago he hangs with a 21 yr old bartender with his gold buddies and Im mad and uoset about this and Ive told him and he said its no big deal, so I said Im going to find a 24 yr old hunk and get him to be my body guard and take me to bars to protect me cause he said they need to protect her as shes a babe! Hes lucky i never hit him for that comment. So I had to leave as glass was flying all over almost hit me, came home and he calls and tells me sorry to come back, I said this is bs, I will leave here and you wont hear from me again, and he said no dont I want you in my life. Since then we went out one to a concert and critizued that I yawn too much well thats because Im tired on antitiobics its not from him , and I pee too much! My health is so much better than his he has arthritis and takes injections for 12 yrs I have nothing wrong and Im 53! Hes done a few other things to me and he does not bring them up he flirted with a lade at a bar last month and left me standing alone and still denies he was flirting why would a guy go talk to a girl alone at the bar for what other damn reason what a liar!! And he did other things that night I was so shocked he was trying to get me to take my clothes off for his friend who we visited and neither of us budged! So disrespectful wow he was nothing like this for 2 yrs now hes turning like this! Some men have hobbies and good friends and like that life and only want a woman when they want to see them if I want to see him too bad! He says 2 times a week like thats no relationship! We are not 20 we are 50!! Why are you so sure that relationship would end any sooner than any non-marriage LTR. True, some people will flee something that might be worked out when they hit a hard point if they are married, but after 7 years, no doubt they have seen a few of those already. If marriage is what she wants and it is clear to me that she does she should leave, but in the speculative world of your PS, why is this LTR any more doomed than another based on what you know from the OPs letter? I use words i. I was forthcoming and said I do not know. If all else fails, I cut them loose. Not string men along. He may love her and want to be with her, but 3 kids none of his own is a huge commitment. Being responsible for them as a physically, emotionally and financially is a tough pill to swallow. But does marriage have to be the end goal? She has been married already and has children. Finding another man willing to marry her with these circumstances is not going to happen easily either. If the BF cares for her and treats her well why not just stay with it? It has gotten to the point that she is starting to denigrate him, calling him a child in her mind. If you NEVER want to get married and are content with this arrangement, you can keep seeing him, but you know what? Some have questioned this P. This is my theory. She could be a stop-gap girlfriend, until he meets his future wife. But I am suggesting she look at her reasons for leaving a good relationship if it is good based solely on the fact that she sees marriage as a must. I think he does love her because he is only 36 and been in the relationship for 7 years. He is an artist , independent and most likely needs his own space and peace of mind. I am sure that he would commit down the road but 3 kids take a lot of time and energy. If she is happy being in love with a guy that ticks all of her boxes as a woman, keep it as is. If she is looking for a daddy and to share half the financial and parental responsibilities then she should look elsewhere- this man is not interested in a kid- living arrangement at this time and why should he be? He probably loves her but does not want the parenting responsibility. It seems men want the perfect life their independence and a woman when he is free. He wants to be single when hes not with her and in a relationship when hes with her, you cannot have your cake and eat it too! Also drop your single friends and bars and that whose scene the guy I am with still goes to bars with male golf buddies most are married mind you and I do not feel that is fair as I am his girlfriend. Hes had 30 years do go hang at bars ffs…he can use the my parents almosit killed each other drank every day excuse all he wants he should be well over that now. I had rotten men abusive men 3 times in my life I only met one good man my whole life that iswhy I am not married and do not have kids! I thought this guy was the one, he even tells me he thinks Im the one too lately but Im about to give up on him he is all over the map!! Another huge issue is I have NOT MET HIS FAMILY IN 2 YEARS!! He has most of the benefits of marriage without having to make a real commitment. To keep his art studio as his private space? Not impossible, but very difficult. Most men would shy away from giving full committment to a mother +3. Otherwise, I do understand the desirability to be married: it tells the world that he did finally choose you, above all other women. Unfortunately, in real life, that would be a rarity, given the circumstances. I have a friend, who is a divorced mother of two, and she has a boyfriend who almost lives with them — very similar situation, except he is an accountant and not an artist. She does not necessarily desire to marry him as she already has children but she gets pissed at his unwillingness to introduce her to his family and friends. He keeps the fact that they are together away from public attention; at one point he even told her that his parents would be upset that he is dating an older divocee with kids instead of someone younger and single. At the same time, he seems to be ok as a subsitute father to her kids — gets on really well with them, helps with chores, takes them from school, etc. I ask because about 30% of my friends who are actively dating have children and none of them would expect a new partner to pay anything for her offspring… ever. Should every single mom who is dating online include something in her profile specifying that she does not want someone to financially support her kids? Sounds like living together to me. I recently said I want him to fully move in because I think it would be financially better. Is he not contributing to the household expenses? Do you want more of a contribution? Believe you would have more spending money if he gave up his studio? If you are really happy, then why is such a commitment so important? Why do you keep bringing it up? He wants to keep it the way it is. He keeps saying he will lose himself and everything he loves to do if he moves in and gets married. Yes, he could leave you at some point down the road. He could STILL leave you at some point down the road even if he gave up his studio. Even if he married you. There are no guarantees against that happening. They are saying to that person that I want to spend the rest of my life with you and doing everything that I can to make you happy and forsaking all others because you are the only one for me! As Evan has said many times when a man wants a women he will do everything in his power to keep her and make sure no other man gets a look in! I think most people aspires to this sort of security with their partner in life and Cahnie is one of them. Cahnie says they are really happy but… one of her core desires is not being met therefore it is not a good relationship. For six months, do not bring up marriage, or living together, or the benefits thereof. Try not to even think about it. After the six months, re-evaluate. This worked for three of my friends. The small chance this has will only be realised if he is able to come to the decision himself and not because you are trying to convince nag him. Boy, am I glad I did. Cut this fishie loose. It is just biology. All I could do was to encourage her not to lose heart in searching for the right man, but at the same time realize that by becoming a single mother, she has automatically ruled out many of her colleagues as potential husbands. Boy, am I glad I did. What exactly did you expect this guy to do when you decided to break up with him? Adults take responsibility for their actions. When you broke up with him, he did not let you; you took that decision. Try to take responsibility. This was the message that this man has ben trying to send to the OP for the last 7 years. So far, she has refused to get it. Not try to change who she is or what she needs in a very fundamental way. View More Comments: 1 ….
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